John Terry's promoters have apparently been hawking their man around to the highest bidder for various commercial opportunities, and we've managed to get hold of a copy of the e-mail in question...
From: Zack Boggleby of Boggleby, Cashin and Manwhore
To: Anyone with money, we're not picky
An amazing opportunity has arisen to harness the marketability of England's Lionheart TM ahead of this summer's World Cup.
Britain has produced some great leaders in our history, but only today are we beginning to appreciate the commercial value of their leadershipness. Just imagine if King Arthur could have harnessed the amazing endorsement potential of his Sword in the Stone triumph. Or if the Duke of Wellington had thought to patent and develop a signature range of his famous boots. Nelson's one eye was a USP that marketeers dream of.
But now one man has emerged with the mixture of unstoppable physical power (back injury permitting) allied to unbreakable mental will (crying during matches permitting).
He combines community values (showing disabled people they are just the same as everyone else by taking their parking spaces) with humour (cheering up grieving Americans after their national tragedy).
He has shown himself to be loyal (helping a close football colleague during his battles with his weight) and forgiving (helping various family members with their legal difficulties).
Churchill raised the nation's morale with "We shall fight them on the beaches".
Henry V cried: "Once more unto the breach, dear friends.
And now England's Iron Man rallies his footballing troops for the Big Push 2010 as he roars:
"With the quality we've got, we should be up there with your Germanys and your Brazils and your Franceses."
and
"Obviously it's a massive disappointment to go out in the quarter finals but we can hold our heads high, we was robbed and if that greasy little toerag hadn't gone down like he'd been shot just because I slightly brushed the back of his head and kidneys with my size 11s, who knows how far we could of gone?"
Like Marlon King said in The Godfather: "A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man." Think of the opportunities this consummate family man - voted What Bastard? Magazine's Dad Of The Year 2008 - could offer to your business.
E-mail intercepted/made-up by Alan Tyers
Your Comments
scousemonkey
"chelseablue ... that was the funniest line ever ... man you need a humour injection."
andyinasia
""Marlon King in the Godfather"!! Loads of hilarious lines this week Alan. Nice."
BorussiaTeeth
"Ironic thing is, our current leader isn't finding his one eye to be a very valuable USP."
chelseablue
"Get a life you worthless piece of s**t masquerading as journalist. That's the problem with todays society, willing to put up with crap instead of paying for quality.
"
Syd_Barrett
"Alan Tyers is in the form of his life"
dansmaaash
"Treeman, get a sense of humour.
"With the quality we've got, we should be up there with your Germanys and your Brazils and your Franceses."
Brilliant, I can picture him saying it."
lakumba
"Welcome to the future!!!"
harryboulton
""He combines community values (showing disabled people they are just the same as everyone else by taking their parking spaces)"
That's brilliant!!!! I made a d!ck of myself in the office just now laughing to that........"
treeman
"What on earth was this inspired by? Has JT actually done anything recently? Boring. "
bustystclair
"'What Bastard?' Love it"
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